Borne in Bias

My work colleagues inadvertently helped me realize something big about myself.

I can be sternly professional. Pleasantly stern, most of the time, which in business and healthcare environments is well received. Other environments, not so much.

After reading Mistakes Were Made But Not by Me by Caroll Tavris and Eliot Aronson, I began to better understand my own personal bias, how that colors my decision making, and how that spills over into my relationships. Personal, work, community, friendships, etc…

I am a mom to a special kiddo. Shortly after she was born, we were out of the gate with a rush, much like every new first time parent is. Our normal was to be different though, as you know if you have read some of the prior posts.

This set us up for a completely different mindset. Every new parent has experienced what I term “how to carry your donkey”, which is a reference to Aesop’s fable of The Man The Boy and the Donkey. And when you are a parent of a special kiddo, there are sometimes hundreds of folks trying to tell you how to raise your baby. Sometimes that help is welcome, sometimes it is not. Sometimes you are praised for your efforts, sometimes you are judged.

Over time, a parent of a special kiddo develops a kind of shield to guard themselves from experiences, anticipated and/or real. The shield is normally the first gathering of armor for defense against the slings and arrows of others’ stinging critiques. Others of us may go in a different direction.

There could be a whole other post about the phases of grief acceptance and how that affects us, but the point here is that being a parent of a special kiddo does affect us. It influences everything we do, everywhere we go. We are born in bias. Sometimes we are prickly, defensive, stern. Sometimes we are overwhelmed, confused, disheartened. But the one thing we always are: Protective of our baby.

For me, that sense of protection has grown into a desire to shield other kiddos like mine. And that has added another layer of defensiveness, which is what my work colleagues had noticed, when I had not. I then realized this aspect of my bias, and the need to temper my reactions. Much like Athena, I need wisdom first; the shield and sword are secondary.

My wish for you, moms and dads: May you find your wisdom as you carry your shield. Have temperance. Have faith.